SMS One Liners

☻Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!

☻***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!

☻Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

☻FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.

☻Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!

☻Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!

☻I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

☻Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

☻HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?

☻This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you

☻Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.

☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

☻Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

☻I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!

☻Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

☻Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

☻I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.

☻How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

☻Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

☻U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....shit...I got wrong number...SORRY :)

☻I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!

☻On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

☻The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

☻Nope.....u still ugly!

☻Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.

☻What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.

☻Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.

☻I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.

☻How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.

☻How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!

☻It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

☻Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻You are here: X

☻Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.

☻In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!

☻Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

☻Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.

☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything.

☻Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

☻Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'

☻Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"

☻Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!

☻Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between!

☻I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!

☻Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!

☻When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number....

☻U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!

☻Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.

☻The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

☻There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

☻Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

☻You may be recognized soon. Hide.

☻Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

☻He who laughs last thinks slowest.

☻Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

☻I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

☻Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???

☻Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

☻If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

☻You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

☻My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

☻If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me

☻Mind intentionally left blank...

☻I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

☻Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

☻Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

☻If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

☻Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

☻If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

☻The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

☻It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.

☻Born Free........Taxed to Death.

☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found

☻I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.

☻Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

☻My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

☻Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...

☻Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

☻What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

☻Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

☻Celibacy is not hereditary

☻Familiarity breeds children

☻Life is sexually transmitted

☻We do precision guesswork

☻Born free . . . Taxed to death

☻If it's too loud, you're too old

☻Common sense isn't common

☻Nothing succeeds like excess

☻Do pilots take crash-courses?

☻If it ain't broke, fix it until it is

☻The older I get, the older old is

☻Relax, its only Ones and Zeros

☻A closed mouth gathers no feet

☻Do witches run spell checkers?

☻I don't get even . . . . . I get odder

☻Allow me to introduce my selves

☻A feature is a bug with seniority

☻If I throw a stick, will you leave?

☻Justice: A decision in your favor

☻Strip mining prevents forest fires

☻A waist is a terrible thing to mind

☻Do not disturb. Already disturbed

☻Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

☻Today's subliminal message is . . .

☻Demons are a Ghouls best Friend

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

☻Fuck Me...are those real?

☻Be unique and different, just say yes.

☻Can I flirt with you?

☻Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

☻Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.

☻Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.

☻Umh, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

☻Darling, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.

☻I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbour ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

☻If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice?

☻Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

☻That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

☻Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.

☻A hangover is the wrath of grapes

☻Everyone is entitled to my opinion

☻If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert

☻I don't work here. I'm a consultant

☻Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes

☻The best things in life aren't things

☻I like feminists; I think they're cute

☻I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable

☻Does killing time damage eternity?

☻How can there be self-help groups?

☻"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy

☻BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy

☻Have a nice day. . . somewhere else

☻Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving

☻Exceptions always outnumber rules

☻Adults are just kids who owe money

☻All stressed out and no one to choke

☻Constipated people don't give a crap

☻I may not be perfect, but I'm all I got

☻Where there's a will, I want to be in it

☻Anything not nailed down is a cat toy

☻Never miss a good chance to shut up

☻All computers wait at the same speed

☻Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

☻How do you get off a non-stop flight?

☻How come night falls but day breaks?

☻How do I set the laser printer to stun?

☻If we quit voting will they all go away?

☻Is it time for your medication or mine?

☻INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)

☻I'm not getting older...I'm getting bitter

☻When all else fails manipulate the data

☻I'm as confused as a termite in a yo-yo

☻Insanity is my only means of relaxation

☻No guts, no glory, no brain, same story

☻Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw

☻I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert

☻I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier

☻When money talks, the criminal walks

SMS Chat-up Lines

+++Put your crash helmet on, you're going through the head board.

+++Do you believe in love at first sight...or do I have to walk by again?

+++There's a gap in your life! Mind if I fill it!

+++I'm not Fred Flintstone but I can make your bedrock!

+++Wanna play Pearl Harbor? That's where I lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

+++Hey let's go fuck and do the talking later.

+++Girl, how long have you been in the oven, because I know I felt something rising.

+++Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?

+++Here's 10p ring home and tell your mum that you wont be coming home tonight!

+++I'm new in town, can you give me directions to your flat?

+++Your daddy must have been a hunter because you're a fox!

+++Hey, is your dad a terrorist? Coz baby, you're the bomb!

+++Do you want to go and do what I'm going to tell my mates we did anyway?

+++I looked up sexy in the dictionary today and your name was listed

+++I lost my phone number, can I have yours?

+++Is it hot in here or is it you?

+++Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

+++If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

+++Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

+++How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

+++I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.

+++My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

+++Get your coat love, you've pulled.

+++I didn't believe in angels until I meet you!

+++I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

+++You are so hot, its girls like you that are the real reason for global warming

+++Hi, how do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized?

+++Hi, my name's Richard, will you be my Pretty Woman?

+++Have you ever been to the moon ? No ! Sit on my rocket and I will take you there

+++If its cash you’re after drop your drawers and the moneys yours

+++Was you father a cement mixer? Because you sure make me hard.

+++Can you fix watches? Then put 2 hands on that!

+++I'm like Domino's Pizza, if you don't come in 30 minutes the next one is free...

+++You're like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can't stop you!

+++Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

+++Do you like jewelry? Suck this, it's a gem!

+++You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

+++do u believe in love at first site or do I have to walk by again

+++if I said u had a hot body would u hold it against me

+++My magical watch says you aren't wearing any underwear!
Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast.

+++"r ur legs tired"? coz uve been runnin through my mined all day

+++There are 256 bones in your body! Would u like another?

+++if i cood re arrange da alphabet i wood put u and i together

+++ive lost my teddy bear.......do u want to sleep with me tonight?

+++is youre father a robber ? well who stole the stars and put them in ure eyes ?

+++U gotta B a parking ticket or something coz u got the word FINE written All over ya!

+++im no fred Flintstone but I’ll make ur bedrock

SMS Quotes

☻As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplice by someone you violently hate

☻There is no substitute for hard work.

☻Duty pays you. Safety saves you.

☻Take time to look- it is price of success

☻Take time to think-it is a source of power

☻Take time to read-it is a source of wisdom

☻Take time to be friendly-it is a way of happiness

☻Between two evils choose neither. Between two goods, choose both

☻The shortest way to do many things is to do a single thing at a time.

☻Think you are well, and all that is well with you. And nature will read your thoughts and make them true

☻Be true to yourself and others. Do not try to appear better or greater than what you are.

☻Troubles which are tackled instead of being talked about, disappear like mist before the morning sun

☻Undertake not what you cannot perform but be careful to keep your promise.

☻Forget injuries, but never forget kindness

☻Learn something new each day-keep your eyes, ears and most of your entire mind open.

☻Pray as if everything depends on work as if everything depends on you.

☻In success and failure, in sunshine and rain, in prosperity and adversity be at peace with the world and with yourself.

☻The way you manage your time determines your success or failure as a man.

☻Honour the chief. There must be a head of everything.

☻Be glad and rejoice in the other fellow's success. Study his methods.

☻Do not attempt to do a thing unless you are sure of yourself; but don't relinquish it simply because someone else is not sure of you.

☻Do not express dislike for a person when (s)he is not present to offer a defence.

☻Prayer is the first duty in life; and to plead lack of time for it is an insult to GOD.

☻Who agree like bell; they want nothing but hanging.

☻Anger is a short madness. Don't allow it to ruin longstanding reactions.

☻Nothing is bad but it might have been worse.

☻Loyalty to friends and loyalty to certain basic principles are essential to success in any sphere.

☻Instead of feeling inferior because someone else can do something you cannot do, concentrate on what you can do that others cannot.

☻To be angry is to revenge the fault of others on us

☻As heat conserved is transmitted into energy, so can anger controlled can be transmitted into a power which can move the world.

☻Our errors are steps on the way.

☻A fool may be known by six things :anger without cause, speech without profit, change without progress, enquiry without object, putting trust in a stranger, mistaking foes for friends.
DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THE ABOVE QUALITIES??????

☻It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for wt you are not.

☻Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.

☻You will never find time for any thing. If you want time you must find it.

☻If you want people to think well of you do not speak well of yourself.

☻Our prayers should be for blessing in general, for God knows best what is good for us.

☻If you shed tears when you miss the sun; you also miss the stars.

☻You may make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you start blaming someone else for it.

☻ANGER is only one letter shorter than DANGER.

☻The man who has done less than his best have done nothing.39.The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.

☻Think more about what you can make happen than about what happens to you.

☻Stand for truth even at the expense of losing popularity.

☻For every minute of anger you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

☻Do not do to others that which would anger you if others did it to you0D

☻Failure establishes only this, that our determination to succeed was not strong enough.

☻Write injuries in dust, benefits in marble.

☻Be clean in all matters and you will never be ashamed.

☻Saying "I did not find time " shows you did not WISH to do it.

☻People who believe a problem can be solved tend to become busy solving it.

☻If you don't think every day is a good day try missing one!

☻Learn to hide your heartaches and woes under a pleasant smile.

☻Every good thought is a star which leads you on, shining in the dark, making your pathway radiant.

☻Those who do not have goals are doomed to work for those who do.

☻Be thankful if you have a job that is harder than you like. A razor cannot be sharpened on velvet.

☻When you long for something, it means you love it.

☻DON'T ever give up before you have solved the problem you are facing.

☻Don't say things. What you are stands over you and thunders, so nobody would hear what you say on the contrary.

☻Think that day lost whose descending son has seen no worthy action done.

☻We weave a tangled web when we first practise to deceive.

☻Love is only chatter. Friends are all that matters.

☻The heart has its reasons, which, reason does not know.

☻Tomorrow I will live, the fool says. Today is too late. The wise lived yesterday.

☻It is better to forget and smile rather than remember and be sad.

☻The more hot arguments you win the more good friends you lose.

☻Face the situation fearlessly and soon there will be no situation to face.

☻Mistakes fail in their missin of helping the person who blames them on others.

☻Do not worry about failure. Worry about all the chances you miss when you don't try.

☻Be sure you are right and then go ahead.

☻That sorrow is heavy which bows the head, when love is alive and hope is dead.

☻The truth that's told with bad intent beats all lies you can invent.

☻In life knowing how to lose is just as important as knowing how to win.

☻Think in the morning, do it in the afternoon, eat in the evening, sleep in the night.

☻If hardwork is you weapon then success will be you slave.

☻Women's heart is soft but if it becomes hard, a diamond also cannot stand it.

☻Though you are travelling on the right path, if you take unnecessary breaks others will push you back.

☻Thankfulness should be expressed, but you shouldn't ask for it.

☻Love is all in fire and yet freezing,

Love is much in wining , but is more in loosing.

Love is ever sick and yet is never dying,

Love is ever true and yet is ever lying,

Love does oath in liking and is mad in loathing,

Love indeed is everything, yet indeed is nothing.

☻It is important to follow rules rather than to make rules.

☻A person in front of whom you dare to be yourself is your true friend.

☻Never express to the world what you can do. Show the world by doing it.

☻See that you are needed to at least one person in life.

☻It is better for us to feel bad rather than to make others feel bad.

☻What you don't like happening to yourself, don't do it to others.

☻Miracles do occur, but one has to work hard for them to happen.

☻Show appreciation of the smallest services by your loved ones and employees.

☻The higher we are places, the more humble should we walk.

☻It is attitude rather than your aptitude which determines your altitude.

☻Don't be reckless with other peoples hearts and don't put on with people who are reckless with yours.

☻Don't waste your time with jealousy. Sometimes you are ahead, sometimes behind. The race is long and in the end its only with yourself.

☻Be nice to you sibling. They are your best link to your past.

☻Understand that friends come and go. But you should hold on to a precious few.

☻Don't expect anyone else to support you at any point.

☻Dream as if you will live forever. Live as if you will die today.

☻Be prepared and some day your chance will come.

☻Watch the sun rise at least once a year.

☻Be there when people need you.

☻When I hear someone say "life is heard" I am tempted to ask "compared to what"-Sydney J Harris.

☻If you are too careful, you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble upon something-Gertrude Stein.

☻A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer-R W Emerson.

☻Never fear shadows. They simply mean there is some light near by.

☻Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

☻Shoot for the moon... cause even if you miss you will end up in the stars-Les Brown.

☻I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

☻I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

☻Sarcasm is just one more service we offer

☻If I throw a stick, will you leave?

☻You!... Off my planet!

☻The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

☻Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

☻ Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

☻A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

☻Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

☻Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

☻Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

☻I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb.

☻I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

☻For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

☻I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

☻We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

☻Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last!

☻I’m not under d affluence of alcohol as some tinkle peep. I’m not half as think as u drink.

☻How would you like your egg for breakfast.... hard-boiled or impregnated?

☻Mobile phones are the only things in live of which men talk about having the smallest.

☻What is similar to a woman's period?
Ur salary - coz it comes once a month, last about 5 to 6 day and if it doesn't come it means u r in deep trouble.

☻Do u ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than u is an idiot and everyone driving faster than u is a maniac?

☻The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

☻Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks

☻If I told you that you remind me of my mom, would you tuck me in bed tonight?

☻I'm sweet like sugar, soft like suede, but unlike Nintendo, I never get played.

☻Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Coz they heard every fourth child born is Chinese.

☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

☻"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

☻"If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?"

☻"Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines."

☻"Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbour’s vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony."

☻"He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news."

☻"At school we had a name for guys who were 'trying to get in touch with themselves'."

☻"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

☻"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."

☻"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like."

☻"It's not the people who are in prison that worry me. It's the people who aren't."

☻"Mr Anaesthetist, if the patient can stay awake, surely you can."

☻"There's no bigger fan of the opposite sex than me, and I have the bills to prove it."

☻"The flashier kind of widow may insist only sleeping with black men during the first year after death."

☻All I ever wanted is what others have.

☻Laugh on your one and the world thinks you are an idiot.

☻A kiss that says it all is seldom a first edition.

☻Women have usually nothing to wear and no room to put it away!

☻It is better to be fair than to be popular!

☻The strongest muscle of the human body is the tongue.

☻Time is something that makes sure that everything does not happen at the same moment.

☻Life is not short, it is being dead that lasts such a long time!

☻I intend to live for ever and so far everything goes well.

☻I see things the way they are and say: Why? .................. I dream of things that never were and say: Why not?

☻Life is what happens when you plan to do other things -- John Lennon

☻Copernicus said:” men with dick in peanut butter is fucking nuts."

☻Law of Murphy..... Everything that can go wrong, goes wrong sooner or later......Murphy was an optimist.

☻It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

☻A lot of people are in pain out of fear to be happy

☻A lot of people were never happy because they thought it had yet to come.

☻A laugh is the shortest distance between two people.

☻I want to die sleeping, just like my grandfather ..... Not yelling and

☻He said:” I thank you for the wonderful talk." ... I had only been listening.

☻When your youngest child needs sex education, you have badly informed your elder children on the subject.

☻The heart and the brain are neighbours, but they will never be friends.

☻The present is just as mysterious as the future.

☻People who do not want to be disturbed, usually already are disturbed.

☻You can close your eyes for certain facts, but not for the memories.

☻Friendly words do not have to be long, the echo never dies.

☻Woman know that they are not that pretty any more when they have nothing to wear.

☻What do you have to do when you fall into a river with a sign "Forbidden to swim?"

☻Be yourself, there are enough other people.

SMS Profundities

♣♣Mobile phones are the only things in live of which men talk about having the smallest.

♣♣A lawyer says 'we' won' or 'You' have lost.

♣♣All computers wait at the same speed.

♣♣Real anarchists play chess without kings.

♣♣Monday is one seventh of your life!

♣♣When I was young I begged God for a bike, but God does not work that way... so I stole a bike and begged for forgiveness!
♣♣Aiming to remain good sports, we park as close as possible near the sports centre.

♣♣Money resembles fat... there is plenty of it, but always in the wrong places.

♣♣No-one loves hard work more than the one who pays for it.

♣♣Some people live because it is illegal to kill them!

♣♣Richness has eternal value if we use it to make others happy.

♣♣Everybody wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die...

♣♣There are days that nothing goes your way, but does it help to complain? No, not a bit. So, stand up to it, list all the points and put your shoulders to the wheel, even worries go away.

♣♣Learn to live every moment of happiness, are never too busy to receive or give love.

♣♣We have to make a choice, the truth or the appearances. You can loose yourself if you are never you.

♣♣The sea consists of water drops, the sand dunes of grains of sand, time of moments, use them with common sense!

♣♣Today is the day ... It comes only once- ... because tomorrow ...is no longer today. Enjoy life... it is possible ...but do it today ... because today is the day

♣♣When you yell 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough energy to warm one cup of coffee. ( Niet echt de moeite dus!)

♣♣You can't walk in the light without causing a shadow

♣♣Without the rubber tree the whole world would have AIDS

♣♣If you hit every time the target is too near or too big.

♣♣The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes

♣♣The secret of success lies not in doing your own work but in recognizing the right man to do it.

♣♣People are not afraid of how bad you are, People are afraid of how good you are.

♣♣Trains never follow the schedule, they follow the rails

♣♣The one who asks is a fool for 5 minutes, the one who does not ask, remains a fool for ever

♣♣It is better to know everything of one subject, than to know something of everything.

♣♣The past becomes longer and longer and the future shorter and shorter, the hope in the future is bigger than the regrets for the past

♣♣Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly !

♣♣Getting an other boyfriend or husband is like buying a house. You have to improve yourself.

♣♣When you choose not to make a choice, you do choose because you choose not to choose.

♣♣Life is hard, learn from the mistakes of others and not of your own mistakes !

♣♣When you turn you nose 180 degrees, you would drown when it rains

♣♣Children in the backseat cause accidents... Accidents in the back seat cause children.

♣♣People wasted a lot of time talking about who came first, the chicken or the egg, but it was surely the cock.

♣♣Life is hard, but the front of a train is harder...

♣♣Learn from the mistakes of others... you can't live long enough to make them all yourselves!!

♣♣Life is like toilet paper, long and useful !!!!

♣♣A fart is nothing more than a lost cough.

♣♣One day you will find the woman of your life and at that point you will already be married.

♣♣I only drink to make my wife look prettier.

♣♣It is weird that my nose is running and my feet smell.

♣♣Love is blind, ladies' underwear is brailed

♣♣Love based on beauty, dies along with the beauty.

♣♣Be nice to those who smoke, every cigarette may be their last.

♣♣Boredom was the other word for a safe and undisturbed life.

♣♣Do not keep hanging in the past, do not dream of the future, but concentrate on the present.

♣♣Light is faster than sound. That is why people look intelligent, until you hear them speak.

♣♣All mushrooms are eatable. But some you can only eat once.

♣♣Nature is a miracle. One million years ago no one knew people would wear glasses but our ears are at the right spot.

♣♣A pessimist is someone who believes that women are frivolous. An optimist is someone who hopes for this.

♣♣Every good-bye is the birth of a memory

♣♣Every married man knows why they name hurricanes after women

♣♣Common sense and a sense of humour are the same things but at different speeds. A good sense of humour is just common sense that dances.

♣♣I believe that there is life after death. But I do not think I will live it.

♣♣There are so many things I have to do, that I should better go to sleep.

♣♣You may not be too hard on my secretaries. They are sweet and understanding when I arrive at the office after having a tough day at home.

♣♣Only 17% of all traffic accidents was caused by drunk drivers, so the other 83% was caused by, yes you got it....the sober ones among us!!

♣♣What do you have in common with your husband ? " We married on the same day."

♣♣Good advice, whatever happens, make it look like to intend to.

♣♣Words of a client in an antique shop: do you have anything new ?

Laws of Sex

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
29. Love is a hole in the heart.
30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32. Do it only with the best.
33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
39. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45. Never say no.
46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51. Love comes in spurts.
52. The world does not revolve on an axis.
53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59. "This won't hurt, I promise."